I think there's no time like the present. Back when I had a paying job (cause being a full time mom IS A JOB thank you very much) we almost bought a house but would have only been able to get a sub prime option ARM mortgage. By the grace of GOD at the very end when escrow was going through the bank pulled out. If we would have got that home, we would have purchased a house that would be worth 80,000 dollars LESS now. Yeah like WHOA. So the median price for homes in our liking has dropped 100k. Houses are about as cheap as they are going to get and I am gonna snag me one. We are currently renting a house that is about 90 years old and let me tell you, it feels 90 years old. This old hag needs an overhaul. Its probably been a rental now for 20 years and I don't think anyone has cared much about it for that time. Despite my best scrubbing and bleaching efforts- I hate it. I hate it I hate It I HATE IT. There are paint chips randomly falling off the walls and I have a very mobile 9 month old. Nuff said.
So, we're meeting with someone from the Bank monday to see if we can qualify for
a Federal Housing Authority loan. If all goes well we will be shopping here soon for a new
domicile.
I cant wait to demo some walls and put in my jetted tub. Yeah baby.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Monday, October 20, 2008
wiped clean
sometimes i just dont want to look at it all anymore
get the bleach out and make it all better
wipe it all clean and start over again, I know some mistakes just cant be
erased
but other ones can be done over
today I decided that all the things that were making me mad I was just going to
say goodbye to them and wipe myself clean
and look in the mirror and smile and start again
get on my hands and knees
and pick up all of the pieces of myself that had been for so long neglected
how very badly I needed
to forgive myself for all my transgressions that I never let slide
it was time that I took a deep breath and just let it go
cause that's time that Ill never get back
wasted
on foolishness
love is the best application of our short time we have
so lets make the best of it.
get the bleach out and make it all better
wipe it all clean and start over again, I know some mistakes just cant be
erased
but other ones can be done over
today I decided that all the things that were making me mad I was just going to
say goodbye to them and wipe myself clean
and look in the mirror and smile and start again
get on my hands and knees
and pick up all of the pieces of myself that had been for so long neglected
how very badly I needed
to forgive myself for all my transgressions that I never let slide
it was time that I took a deep breath and just let it go
cause that's time that Ill never get back
wasted
on foolishness
love is the best application of our short time we have
so lets make the best of it.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
food sex and booze (mature audiences only)
...are like so my favorite. Maybe though not in that order. I've put myself on an approximately 1500 calorie diet and so far its ok, Im not dying of hunger. Yet, dear Lord, does alcohol have a lot of calories. Also, you sure get drunk fast if you haven't eaten anything much before. I really like to dance, and for a whitey, I'm not half bad at it I've been told. I haven't been dancing in like for-eva! The old man, he is a rocker and doesn't like dancing that doesn't involve headbanging. I have noticed that when he does dance, he is super buzzed and dances intentionally goofy. One time when I was about 5 mos pregnant, he was all faded and dancing around his sisters' house telling everyone "thats how you make a son." I could have used a drink that day.
I know why he does that. It's cause he really can't dance for shit and he would like to dance but he's embarrased to so the only way he can get his funky wiggles out is to act super silly and make everyone laugh- and me hide my face in my hands. I always tell him to like, lean like a cholo or something. Its an easy move- step, lean, snap- thats it.
So yeah I don't find much time to enjoy my 3 favorite things anymore which is totally a bummer. When I eat it's usually when baby is sleeping and I have a tendency to rush through it because I never know how long or short his nap will be. He isn't a very sleepy baby- he is a wiggly squiggly little chunk and is quite a hoot. Sometimes though I need a break. Sometimes I need a break with Daddy. We used to take for granted curling up on the couch together and watching our shows. We can still do that but we cant be as cuddly as before. (Our son is a very high needs, attached baby and we want him to be that way)
Lastnight he gave us a few hours of much needed peace. It was sort of like a serene vacation with him, sharing one recliner, while little Jr sleeps on the boppy arms reach away. So nice, the evening. Here in the Valley the heat is rolling back and the crispness of fall is reaching its cool tendrils towards us. We haven't had to use the AC all week.
Sometimes I really just miss my husband even though he is in the same house as me. He will be in here on the computer or recording a new track or playing guitar and I will miss him. I miss his big toothy grin and his sad brown eyes. Sometimes, I long for the days when we acted like we didn't know any better. Time spent burning j's in the dirty back band room, layed out on a mattress- not giving a fuck. Irresponsibility- the time where we had it we grasped it and we milked it for all it was worth. Oh it was so sweet, those lazy afternoons we woke up together, sweaty hungover and smiling. That's what I would like to have for just a day- just a peice of it back.
I never used to worry back then cause I had an unshakable faith that if we were together, then everything would be ok. It was back in those days, back in that dirty back band room where he told me he wanted me to bear his child. I thought he said it just to say it, but in his eyes I could see he meant it. Three years later he planted that seed and here we are.
I don't regret anything. I wouldn't go back to that day if I could and I wouldn't change anything. It's all gone how it was meant to go. Sometimes though, I crave that rarity, that rawness that fresh newness again. That sick feeling in my stomach I love so much.
It's the season of life that has come to me and I must embrace it for all that it is. The heat and the passion and frivolousness of summer is waning. The cool of fall approaches. I have another soul bound to mine in spirit and flesh that needs me, all of me, until he can take his first shaky steps alone. I fear this day, I mourn for this day, yet I cannot wait for this day.
Each moment was meant to be experienced. Waiting for another one while ignoring the one that's passing is wasteful. I cannot replace this moment. I must make the best of it.
I know why he does that. It's cause he really can't dance for shit and he would like to dance but he's embarrased to so the only way he can get his funky wiggles out is to act super silly and make everyone laugh- and me hide my face in my hands. I always tell him to like, lean like a cholo or something. Its an easy move- step, lean, snap- thats it.
So yeah I don't find much time to enjoy my 3 favorite things anymore which is totally a bummer. When I eat it's usually when baby is sleeping and I have a tendency to rush through it because I never know how long or short his nap will be. He isn't a very sleepy baby- he is a wiggly squiggly little chunk and is quite a hoot. Sometimes though I need a break. Sometimes I need a break with Daddy. We used to take for granted curling up on the couch together and watching our shows. We can still do that but we cant be as cuddly as before. (Our son is a very high needs, attached baby and we want him to be that way)
Lastnight he gave us a few hours of much needed peace. It was sort of like a serene vacation with him, sharing one recliner, while little Jr sleeps on the boppy arms reach away. So nice, the evening. Here in the Valley the heat is rolling back and the crispness of fall is reaching its cool tendrils towards us. We haven't had to use the AC all week.
Sometimes I really just miss my husband even though he is in the same house as me. He will be in here on the computer or recording a new track or playing guitar and I will miss him. I miss his big toothy grin and his sad brown eyes. Sometimes, I long for the days when we acted like we didn't know any better. Time spent burning j's in the dirty back band room, layed out on a mattress- not giving a fuck. Irresponsibility- the time where we had it we grasped it and we milked it for all it was worth. Oh it was so sweet, those lazy afternoons we woke up together, sweaty hungover and smiling. That's what I would like to have for just a day- just a peice of it back.
I never used to worry back then cause I had an unshakable faith that if we were together, then everything would be ok. It was back in those days, back in that dirty back band room where he told me he wanted me to bear his child. I thought he said it just to say it, but in his eyes I could see he meant it. Three years later he planted that seed and here we are.
I don't regret anything. I wouldn't go back to that day if I could and I wouldn't change anything. It's all gone how it was meant to go. Sometimes though, I crave that rarity, that rawness that fresh newness again. That sick feeling in my stomach I love so much.
It's the season of life that has come to me and I must embrace it for all that it is. The heat and the passion and frivolousness of summer is waning. The cool of fall approaches. I have another soul bound to mine in spirit and flesh that needs me, all of me, until he can take his first shaky steps alone. I fear this day, I mourn for this day, yet I cannot wait for this day.
Each moment was meant to be experienced. Waiting for another one while ignoring the one that's passing is wasteful. I cannot replace this moment. I must make the best of it.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Im bored, therefore, I eat
A love hate relationship with food-
Damn you, convenient sugary cereal. I want you but I don't need you. You stare me in the face, smiling mockingly at me. You know I can't deny you. Get in my belly.
I come from this school of thought that teaches if it's on your plate it must be eaten and it must be all eaten. For some reason I never leave much blank space on my plate either as if to make sure that I don't have to get up for seconds. I hardly ever do and if I do I feel bad cause I can't finish my plate. I bought the damn food, why can't I just give the leftovers to the dog?
Then there's that thing that makes me doubt whether or not Im full. I don't feel full and I don't feel hungry. I can stop eating. But for some reason I keep shoveling it into my mouth. Sometimes I will eat and not even realize how much. Its a nervous habit, kinda like biting my nails.
Despite my mellow facade, i am a nervous wreck like 80% of the time. My mind often shifts to delusional fears of the unknown- unexpected expenses, illnesses that go unnoticed, how happy will I be 5, 10 years from now. Things so far beyond my reach but sometimes I get ill with the thought of them. My stomach reels- I fill it. Im picked and nagged by doubt, I feed it.
They want me to like, take tai chi or yoga, or medicate. I can't afford either- timewise or financially right now. I for sure don't or can't take drugs cause I nurse my 5 month old- excuses excuses. When am I finally gonna work on me? When little Jr is in school and I don't have much left to work with anymore? I want so badly to feel normal. I sometimes think my body will never be good and Im always gonna be 50+ lbs overweight and im never going to like looking in the mirror. Why am I the only one who can never take myself as I am? When am I going to get realistic about my self image? I've set this bar so high for myself that my perfectionism won't even allow me to make an attempt.
so, im thinking- 6 lbs a month and I will be back at my pre pregnancy weight by December 14, when baby's 8 month old. Thats like 24oz a week. I think I can swing it-
I'll let you all know how it goes.
Damn you, convenient sugary cereal. I want you but I don't need you. You stare me in the face, smiling mockingly at me. You know I can't deny you. Get in my belly.
I come from this school of thought that teaches if it's on your plate it must be eaten and it must be all eaten. For some reason I never leave much blank space on my plate either as if to make sure that I don't have to get up for seconds. I hardly ever do and if I do I feel bad cause I can't finish my plate. I bought the damn food, why can't I just give the leftovers to the dog?
Then there's that thing that makes me doubt whether or not Im full. I don't feel full and I don't feel hungry. I can stop eating. But for some reason I keep shoveling it into my mouth. Sometimes I will eat and not even realize how much. Its a nervous habit, kinda like biting my nails.
Despite my mellow facade, i am a nervous wreck like 80% of the time. My mind often shifts to delusional fears of the unknown- unexpected expenses, illnesses that go unnoticed, how happy will I be 5, 10 years from now. Things so far beyond my reach but sometimes I get ill with the thought of them. My stomach reels- I fill it. Im picked and nagged by doubt, I feed it.
They want me to like, take tai chi or yoga, or medicate. I can't afford either- timewise or financially right now. I for sure don't or can't take drugs cause I nurse my 5 month old- excuses excuses. When am I finally gonna work on me? When little Jr is in school and I don't have much left to work with anymore? I want so badly to feel normal. I sometimes think my body will never be good and Im always gonna be 50+ lbs overweight and im never going to like looking in the mirror. Why am I the only one who can never take myself as I am? When am I going to get realistic about my self image? I've set this bar so high for myself that my perfectionism won't even allow me to make an attempt.
so, im thinking- 6 lbs a month and I will be back at my pre pregnancy weight by December 14, when baby's 8 month old. Thats like 24oz a week. I think I can swing it-
I'll let you all know how it goes.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Mistakes
Going over files in my mind sorting out what I have learned, I noticed how so many of my
mistakes led me straight to the one I was meant to be with. Where points in time sprung from thoughtless indolence led me to you, how our energetic gravity whipped us around to each other, centrifugal, halting us at whiplash speeds to destiny. Irony always lends itself to the most genuine of inward smiles. All the times I beat myself over the head with the shoulda coulda woulda's.
They told me, when I was young and naive, I would need to take this pill and be quiet. To be absent of questions and therefore worry. I nodded and conceded and opened my hand.
When I woke up not too long ago I was privy to the fact that I had lost so much time wanting to feel different than I did, I never got to feel how things really were. I was always convinced that something just wasn't right when I didn't have a clue if I was wrong. So much time wasted, so much that I have learned about the way of the world. How much more in control of myself I have had to become, and how much I have had to learn how to have faith for things that are out of my hands.
Sometimes when I just feel that things will never go how I want them to go- I have to stop and ask myself honestly that if things were different if I would be any happier. A lot of the time I have noticed that the answer to that question is often 'no'. It's not the car, it's not the ring, its not the house- It's me. How do I value myself? With a price tag? Never- money doesn't even really exist. Only relationships matter- only people and living things matter. How do my husband, child and family feel about me? Does it really matter to them how well I dusted the living room when company comes over? No not really. Perspective, priorities.
Just like how some kind of Dynamic energy whipped us around to each others' place- I have no choice but to acknowledge the exponential speed of time's passing. These fine lines creeping into my once soft pale skin. This once tiny helpless baby reaching for my face, smiling when I smile at him- scooting around to get to his toy. Didn't I just give birth to you dude? You sure got heavy fast. What a great life I am able to have- to be able to watch everyday while you grow and get bigger and learn about the world around you. To be there behind you when you need someone to reach for. I am able to be there, and that's the best thing to be able to be.
mistakes led me straight to the one I was meant to be with. Where points in time sprung from thoughtless indolence led me to you, how our energetic gravity whipped us around to each other, centrifugal, halting us at whiplash speeds to destiny. Irony always lends itself to the most genuine of inward smiles. All the times I beat myself over the head with the shoulda coulda woulda's.
They told me, when I was young and naive, I would need to take this pill and be quiet. To be absent of questions and therefore worry. I nodded and conceded and opened my hand.
When I woke up not too long ago I was privy to the fact that I had lost so much time wanting to feel different than I did, I never got to feel how things really were. I was always convinced that something just wasn't right when I didn't have a clue if I was wrong. So much time wasted, so much that I have learned about the way of the world. How much more in control of myself I have had to become, and how much I have had to learn how to have faith for things that are out of my hands.
Sometimes when I just feel that things will never go how I want them to go- I have to stop and ask myself honestly that if things were different if I would be any happier. A lot of the time I have noticed that the answer to that question is often 'no'. It's not the car, it's not the ring, its not the house- It's me. How do I value myself? With a price tag? Never- money doesn't even really exist. Only relationships matter- only people and living things matter. How do my husband, child and family feel about me? Does it really matter to them how well I dusted the living room when company comes over? No not really. Perspective, priorities.
Just like how some kind of Dynamic energy whipped us around to each others' place- I have no choice but to acknowledge the exponential speed of time's passing. These fine lines creeping into my once soft pale skin. This once tiny helpless baby reaching for my face, smiling when I smile at him- scooting around to get to his toy. Didn't I just give birth to you dude? You sure got heavy fast. What a great life I am able to have- to be able to watch everyday while you grow and get bigger and learn about the world around you. To be there behind you when you need someone to reach for. I am able to be there, and that's the best thing to be able to be.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Transitional life
Its all going by so fast, you know- time it won't slow down for me to gather my thoughts.
So all I'm able to do is just to fly by the seat of my pants, wondering where this great
spaceship will land and what I am destined to become. I'm working on myself now- trying
my best to focus on what it is that makes me who I am. It's been a long time since I've allowed
myself to be that selfish- but for the sake of my sanity and for self preservation there isn't much time left to waste before the life I will live is chosen for me. What do I want to be when I grow up?
I want to be a housewife rock star. I want to be a thrift store pin up. I secretly want to be famous but I cant stand crowds. Oh dear, we do have a lot of refining to do don't we.
It's all about money, changing hands. Who has it- who wants it- who needs it. The other night I went to some fancy new club and I never go to clubs it was so odd. I had to be home by 10 like some kind of whipped Cinderella- out with all the new mommies we were drinking our tequila and having a good time. Its hard to feel adequate when your societal shaping has led you to believe that you can't be good enough unless you bleed to pay the most. Haute couture. Tight bodies tanned legs and lip gloss. Ill never amount to all of that, and then the doubt creeps into my head again- oh how will I ever make up for this lack of perfection? Another shot, please.
Somehow, I am loud and I have a big smile and when I drink I don't care who you are I will talk to you. They came up to me- eagerly expecting to be entertained or at least engaged somewhat. I spilled my theories on the simplicity of men, the insanity of women, my feelings on new rock music and why Tupac is still alive. Oh man- who is this woman pouring out of my skin? Where is she when I need the confidence to smile when I just don't feel like smiling. She lives inside liquor cabinets and is called out by beaming neon lights. Sometimes I miss her, and sometimes she is just too much to handle. This night though, she served her purpose and everyone had fun- following me to the bar, climbing up on a stool and spilling cleavage recklessly to get served. It was standing room only, opening night- and we did not have to wait for our libations. Yeah, sometimes I feel like I can be anyone if I just pretend that who I am can wait in the car while the rest of us shake loose some tension.
So all I'm able to do is just to fly by the seat of my pants, wondering where this great
spaceship will land and what I am destined to become. I'm working on myself now- trying
my best to focus on what it is that makes me who I am. It's been a long time since I've allowed
myself to be that selfish- but for the sake of my sanity and for self preservation there isn't much time left to waste before the life I will live is chosen for me. What do I want to be when I grow up?
I want to be a housewife rock star. I want to be a thrift store pin up. I secretly want to be famous but I cant stand crowds. Oh dear, we do have a lot of refining to do don't we.
It's all about money, changing hands. Who has it- who wants it- who needs it. The other night I went to some fancy new club and I never go to clubs it was so odd. I had to be home by 10 like some kind of whipped Cinderella- out with all the new mommies we were drinking our tequila and having a good time. Its hard to feel adequate when your societal shaping has led you to believe that you can't be good enough unless you bleed to pay the most. Haute couture. Tight bodies tanned legs and lip gloss. Ill never amount to all of that, and then the doubt creeps into my head again- oh how will I ever make up for this lack of perfection? Another shot, please.
Somehow, I am loud and I have a big smile and when I drink I don't care who you are I will talk to you. They came up to me- eagerly expecting to be entertained or at least engaged somewhat. I spilled my theories on the simplicity of men, the insanity of women, my feelings on new rock music and why Tupac is still alive. Oh man- who is this woman pouring out of my skin? Where is she when I need the confidence to smile when I just don't feel like smiling. She lives inside liquor cabinets and is called out by beaming neon lights. Sometimes I miss her, and sometimes she is just too much to handle. This night though, she served her purpose and everyone had fun- following me to the bar, climbing up on a stool and spilling cleavage recklessly to get served. It was standing room only, opening night- and we did not have to wait for our libations. Yeah, sometimes I feel like I can be anyone if I just pretend that who I am can wait in the car while the rest of us shake loose some tension.
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