Redefining romance

Life is fast and time is precious. Sometimes I feel like I lose myself in all of it,
that what I want and need becomes forgotten in my own mind, behind responsibility and
obligation- something I remember whilst lying awake in bed. I try to figure it out, what it
is I want, and that can always seems to take up more time than actually going out and getting
it. I can be so wishy washy, so mercurial. I need more time to sit like this and reflect,
and be grateful. I need more opportunity to ponder my immense luck, and wonderful life, and be thankful for all that is in it.
Romance, the chase, the thing that keep you wanting. It is so hard to define for me. Things that used to keep me interested when I was eighteen bore me now. I want more challenges, I need more interaction. I really have no desire to acquire things or go to fancy places- my imagination is quite capable of taking me where I need to be- I just need the spark, it seems. I need to be taken by the hand and led somewhere. To be invited into the moment. It's all in the effort. Such an elusive thing is difficult for me to understand, let alone communicate to the one who I am expecting it from.
Love is that thing that goes without saying, love is why we are in the moment. Romance is the action we take when the moment calls for it. Hollywood has tried to put a definition on this concept, and has subsequently warped many women's minds it seems. I think if the media was to ask women what they want more instead of telling them it would work a bit better. Nevertheless it is a touchy and somewhat misunderstood topic, and true love is what keeps the partners interested in maintaining the romance, in true interest and love vested in the other.
It's all in the eyes now. In stolen glances and hushed gasps. When I am tired and the day has taken it's toll on me, romance is cool glass of water I am handed. In the sweet way he brushes my hair from my cheek on my way out the door.
Sometimes, it's just the way he makes our son laugh and takes such good care of him. When we are in the market and he reaches for my hand. When he calls me on his lunch break just to hear what his son and I ate for breakfast. It's all the little things that are everything, that mean
so much to me. Things that I don't have a lot of time to stop and think about like this. Those things are all of what makes up every day's happiness, and what keeps me going from moment to moment.
I've stopped trying to use the word, 'romantic'- it seems so loaded. Instead, I am trying to get to the point where I don't have to say anything at all. I'm trying to achieve a point where I can clear the day for my man and I , and the rest will take care of itself. The whole concept is overrated, personally. All the cliched played out ideals of what romance should be has murdered the meaning. I want to live my life never having to think I might want something I can't have. I need to be able to see every beautiful moment with my love as magical as the next. That determination is what will keep my love alive. Every kiss, every smile, will prove that. I am grateful for this moment to remember this.

Sybiosis and Humanity

Symbiosis and Humanity.

Current mood:trancedental

The more I think about people the more I realize that a lot of them are very lonely. Even those who have families a lot of the time. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people value things more than other people in many instances and that in itself can be very isolating. We as a modern society spend a lot of time 'providing' for our families and ourselves but rarely take the time to schedule in time for ourselves and our families. We are a very distracted and confused people.
Can we all take a step back from our hustle to appreciate who we are for a moment?
What do we really need? What are we neglecting? How can we prioritize what is important?

People need people. Pride and separation and false egos separate us. We go on
living in this masquerade trying to see who is the best at pretending. Why is it so normal to have to fake who we are? Why is this encouraged? Does it make me a misfit because I can't see the point in all of it? Hello?....

Symbiosis. The flow of energies between organisms. We all want to be needed, we want to have others to rely on. We deny what really matters underneath all of this fallacy. We want to deny our humanity. Companionship and understanding beyond words or thoughts. Home in another's heart.

I want you stop for a moment. I want you to breathe. I want you to find what really drives you and what you are passionate about.

I put faith in our ability to manifest our happiness.

New beginnings

Well we did go ahead and buy this house. We live in it now. What a change. I have- space-.
Its kind of wonderfully ominous. Storage beyond compare. A. formal. dining. room. Yeah.

Im pretty proud of myself. I worked really hard to get this house. Even though I didnt actually
put a lot of money in it myself but I did all the legwork and the housework and the baby watching so I feel completely justified in saying I worked really hard. That was a really bad run on sentence. Its all good though. Im finally allowing myself to let the sense of accomplishment sink in. Its also creating a sense of a turning point in time for me like. as. GULP. A grown up.

I first started noticing these lovely little lines everywhere under my eyes a few months ago but since I have better lighting now they are looking deeper. Fortunately for me, I sell AVON so I have access to good creams. I smear them on with a prayer. All of those things they said bad about becoming a parent and having to have patience and being an adult are coming true. But, I feel more prepared for challenges that would have otherwise rendered me helpless. Life experience is now my most cherished tool. Taking advantage of and appreciating life's wisdom will no doubt lead to more of it.

I miss everyone. I want to just go visit all of my relatives and like schedule out who to see on what weekend. Wow that would overwhelm the crap out of the old hubby. I do really feel that way though. I must broaden my horizons and reinvent myself. I have this fantastic closet now. It is my little temple to my sanity. When I walk in, I feel like I have so many options and life is looking up. It has helped me to reshape the way I look at myself and I am grateful for such a truly reflective mirror. I've become unswervingly aware that life is extremely short. My baby just turned a year old and I feel like Im still having contractions. I know more surely than I know anything else, that the years do not slow down. Embrace every moment.

If I seem distant and aloof please remember my heart is constant.
My brain is too fast for my hands and my mouth and I must remember
to filter out what is important.

Love and wishing positivity.

Ash

One word

One word

Putting down the first thing that comes to mind. Where is your cell phone………………..none
Your hair…………………………………clean
Your father………………………………wigga
Your favorite thing………………………sushi
Your dream last night……………………strange
Your favorite drink……………………….brew
Your dream/goal…………………………happy
The room you are in……………………..laundry
Your fear…………………………………alone
Where do you want to be in 6 years…….kindergarten
Muffins…………………………………..awesome
One of your wish list items………………furniture
Where you grew up……………………..Fresno
The last thing you did……………………Jesse
What are you wearing…………………..ugly
Your TV…………………………………..old
Your pets…………………………………stinky
Your computer……………………………controls
Your life…………………………………..project
Your mood………………………………..boredom
Missing someone………………………….Nanerz
Your car…………………………………..TRUCK
Favorite store…………………………….ikea
Your summer……………………………..Sweltering
Your favorite color……………………….chartreuse
When is the last time you laughed……….now
Last time you cried……………………….yesterday
Three of my favorite foods………………sushi,lobster,steak
Three places I would rather be right now.. Beach,forest,bar

holy crap I think Im gonna buy a house.

I think there's no time like the present. Back when I had a paying job (cause being a full time mom IS A JOB thank you very much) we almost bought a house but would have only been able to get a sub prime option ARM mortgage. By the grace of GOD at the very end when escrow was going through the bank pulled out. If we would have got that home, we would have purchased a house that would be worth 80,000 dollars LESS now. Yeah like WHOA. So the median price for homes in our liking has dropped 100k. Houses are about as cheap as they are going to get and I am gonna snag me one. We are currently renting a house that is about 90 years old and let me tell you, it feels 90 years old. This old hag needs an overhaul. Its probably been a rental now for 20 years and I don't think anyone has cared much about it for that time. Despite my best scrubbing and bleaching efforts- I hate it. I hate it I hate It I HATE IT. There are paint chips randomly falling off the walls and I have a very mobile 9 month old. Nuff said.

So, we're meeting with someone from the Bank monday to see if we can qualify for
a Federal Housing Authority loan. If all goes well we will be shopping here soon for a new
domicile.

I cant wait to demo some walls and put in my jetted tub. Yeah baby.

Wish me luck!

wiped clean

sometimes i just dont want to look at it all anymore
get the bleach out and make it all better
wipe it all clean and start over again, I know some mistakes just cant be
erased
but other ones can be done over

today I decided that all the things that were making me mad I was just going to
say goodbye to them and wipe myself clean

and look in the mirror and smile and start again
get on my hands and knees
and pick up all of the pieces of myself that had been for so long neglected
how very badly I needed
to forgive myself for all my transgressions that I never let slide

it was time that I took a deep breath and just let it go
cause that's time that Ill never get back
wasted
on foolishness

love is the best application of our short time we have
so lets make the best of it.

food sex and booze (mature audiences only)

...are like so my favorite. Maybe though not in that order. I've put myself on an approximately 1500 calorie diet and so far its ok, Im not dying of hunger. Yet, dear Lord, does alcohol have a lot of calories. Also, you sure get drunk fast if you haven't eaten anything much before. I really like to dance, and for a whitey, I'm not half bad at it I've been told. I haven't been dancing in like for-eva! The old man, he is a rocker and doesn't like dancing that doesn't involve headbanging. I have noticed that when he does dance, he is super buzzed and dances intentionally goofy. One time when I was about 5 mos pregnant, he was all faded and dancing around his sisters' house telling everyone "thats how you make a son." I could have used a drink that day.
I know why he does that. It's cause he really can't dance for shit and he would like to dance but he's embarrased to so the only way he can get his funky wiggles out is to act super silly and make everyone laugh- and me hide my face in my hands. I always tell him to like, lean like a cholo or something. Its an easy move- step, lean, snap- thats it.
So yeah I don't find much time to enjoy my 3 favorite things anymore which is totally a bummer. When I eat it's usually when baby is sleeping and I have a tendency to rush through it because I never know how long or short his nap will be. He isn't a very sleepy baby- he is a wiggly squiggly little chunk and is quite a hoot. Sometimes though I need a break. Sometimes I need a break with Daddy. We used to take for granted curling up on the couch together and watching our shows. We can still do that but we cant be as cuddly as before. (Our son is a very high needs, attached baby and we want him to be that way)
Lastnight he gave us a few hours of much needed peace. It was sort of like a serene vacation with him, sharing one recliner, while little Jr sleeps on the boppy arms reach away. So nice, the evening. Here in the Valley the heat is rolling back and the crispness of fall is reaching its cool tendrils towards us. We haven't had to use the AC all week.
Sometimes I really just miss my husband even though he is in the same house as me. He will be in here on the computer or recording a new track or playing guitar and I will miss him. I miss his big toothy grin and his sad brown eyes. Sometimes, I long for the days when we acted like we didn't know any better. Time spent burning j's in the dirty back band room, layed out on a mattress- not giving a fuck. Irresponsibility- the time where we had it we grasped it and we milked it for all it was worth. Oh it was so sweet, those lazy afternoons we woke up together, sweaty hungover and smiling. That's what I would like to have for just a day- just a peice of it back.
I never used to worry back then cause I had an unshakable faith that if we were together, then everything would be ok. It was back in those days, back in that dirty back band room where he told me he wanted me to bear his child. I thought he said it just to say it, but in his eyes I could see he meant it. Three years later he planted that seed and here we are.
I don't regret anything. I wouldn't go back to that day if I could and I wouldn't change anything. It's all gone how it was meant to go. Sometimes though, I crave that rarity, that rawness that fresh newness again. That sick feeling in my stomach I love so much.
It's the season of life that has come to me and I must embrace it for all that it is. The heat and the passion and frivolousness of summer is waning. The cool of fall approaches. I have another soul bound to mine in spirit and flesh that needs me, all of me, until he can take his first shaky steps alone. I fear this day, I mourn for this day, yet I cannot wait for this day.
Each moment was meant to be experienced. Waiting for another one while ignoring the one that's passing is wasteful. I cannot replace this moment. I must make the best of it.