Im bored, therefore, I eat

A love hate relationship with food-

Damn you, convenient sugary cereal. I want you but I don't need you. You stare me in the face, smiling mockingly at me. You know I can't deny you. Get in my belly.

I come from this school of thought that teaches if it's on your plate it must be eaten and it must be all eaten. For some reason I never leave much blank space on my plate either as if to make sure that I don't have to get up for seconds. I hardly ever do and if I do I feel bad cause I can't finish my plate. I bought the damn food, why can't I just give the leftovers to the dog?

Then there's that thing that makes me doubt whether or not Im full. I don't feel full and I don't feel hungry. I can stop eating. But for some reason I keep shoveling it into my mouth. Sometimes I will eat and not even realize how much. Its a nervous habit, kinda like biting my nails.
Despite my mellow facade, i am a nervous wreck like 80% of the time. My mind often shifts to delusional fears of the unknown- unexpected expenses, illnesses that go unnoticed, how happy will I be 5, 10 years from now. Things so far beyond my reach but sometimes I get ill with the thought of them. My stomach reels- I fill it. Im picked and nagged by doubt, I feed it.
They want me to like, take tai chi or yoga, or medicate. I can't afford either- timewise or financially right now. I for sure don't or can't take drugs cause I nurse my 5 month old- excuses excuses. When am I finally gonna work on me? When little Jr is in school and I don't have much left to work with anymore? I want so badly to feel normal. I sometimes think my body will never be good and Im always gonna be 50+ lbs overweight and im never going to like looking in the mirror. Why am I the only one who can never take myself as I am? When am I going to get realistic about my self image? I've set this bar so high for myself that my perfectionism won't even allow me to make an attempt.

so, im thinking- 6 lbs a month and I will be back at my pre pregnancy weight by December 14, when baby's 8 month old. Thats like 24oz a week. I think I can swing it-

I'll let you all know how it goes.