Mistakes

Going over files in my mind sorting out what I have learned, I noticed how so many of my
mistakes led me straight to the one I was meant to be with. Where points in time sprung from thoughtless indolence led me to you, how our energetic gravity whipped us around to each other, centrifugal, halting us at whiplash speeds to destiny. Irony always lends itself to the most genuine of inward smiles. All the times I beat myself over the head with the shoulda coulda woulda's.
They told me, when I was young and naive, I would need to take this pill and be quiet. To be absent of questions and therefore worry. I nodded and conceded and opened my hand.
When I woke up not too long ago I was privy to the fact that I had lost so much time wanting to feel different than I did, I never got to feel how things really were. I was always convinced that something just wasn't right when I didn't have a clue if I was wrong. So much time wasted, so much that I have learned about the way of the world. How much more in control of myself I have had to become, and how much I have had to learn how to have faith for things that are out of my hands.
Sometimes when I just feel that things will never go how I want them to go- I have to stop and ask myself honestly that if things were different if I would be any happier. A lot of the time I have noticed that the answer to that question is often 'no'. It's not the car, it's not the ring, its not the house- It's me. How do I value myself? With a price tag? Never- money doesn't even really exist. Only relationships matter- only people and living things matter. How do my husband, child and family feel about me? Does it really matter to them how well I dusted the living room when company comes over? No not really. Perspective, priorities.
Just like how some kind of Dynamic energy whipped us around to each others' place- I have no choice but to acknowledge the exponential speed of time's passing. These fine lines creeping into my once soft pale skin. This once tiny helpless baby reaching for my face, smiling when I smile at him- scooting around to get to his toy. Didn't I just give birth to you dude? You sure got heavy fast. What a great life I am able to have- to be able to watch everyday while you grow and get bigger and learn about the world around you. To be there behind you when you need someone to reach for. I am able to be there, and that's the best thing to be able to be.