...are like so my favorite. Maybe though not in that order. I've put myself on an approximately 1500 calorie diet and so far its ok, Im not dying of hunger. Yet, dear Lord, does alcohol have a lot of calories. Also, you sure get drunk fast if you haven't eaten anything much before. I really like to dance, and for a whitey, I'm not half bad at it I've been told. I haven't been dancing in like for-eva! The old man, he is a rocker and doesn't like dancing that doesn't involve headbanging. I have noticed that when he does dance, he is super buzzed and dances intentionally goofy. One time when I was about 5 mos pregnant, he was all faded and dancing around his sisters' house telling everyone "thats how you make a son." I could have used a drink that day.
I know why he does that. It's cause he really can't dance for shit and he would like to dance but he's embarrased to so the only way he can get his funky wiggles out is to act super silly and make everyone laugh- and me hide my face in my hands. I always tell him to like, lean like a cholo or something. Its an easy move- step, lean, snap- thats it.
So yeah I don't find much time to enjoy my 3 favorite things anymore which is totally a bummer. When I eat it's usually when baby is sleeping and I have a tendency to rush through it because I never know how long or short his nap will be. He isn't a very sleepy baby- he is a wiggly squiggly little chunk and is quite a hoot. Sometimes though I need a break. Sometimes I need a break with Daddy. We used to take for granted curling up on the couch together and watching our shows. We can still do that but we cant be as cuddly as before. (Our son is a very high needs, attached baby and we want him to be that way)
Lastnight he gave us a few hours of much needed peace. It was sort of like a serene vacation with him, sharing one recliner, while little Jr sleeps on the boppy arms reach away. So nice, the evening. Here in the Valley the heat is rolling back and the crispness of fall is reaching its cool tendrils towards us. We haven't had to use the AC all week.
Sometimes I really just miss my husband even though he is in the same house as me. He will be in here on the computer or recording a new track or playing guitar and I will miss him. I miss his big toothy grin and his sad brown eyes. Sometimes, I long for the days when we acted like we didn't know any better. Time spent burning j's in the dirty back band room, layed out on a mattress- not giving a fuck. Irresponsibility- the time where we had it we grasped it and we milked it for all it was worth. Oh it was so sweet, those lazy afternoons we woke up together, sweaty hungover and smiling. That's what I would like to have for just a day- just a peice of it back.
I never used to worry back then cause I had an unshakable faith that if we were together, then everything would be ok. It was back in those days, back in that dirty back band room where he told me he wanted me to bear his child. I thought he said it just to say it, but in his eyes I could see he meant it. Three years later he planted that seed and here we are.
I don't regret anything. I wouldn't go back to that day if I could and I wouldn't change anything. It's all gone how it was meant to go. Sometimes though, I crave that rarity, that rawness that fresh newness again. That sick feeling in my stomach I love so much.
It's the season of life that has come to me and I must embrace it for all that it is. The heat and the passion and frivolousness of summer is waning. The cool of fall approaches. I have another soul bound to mine in spirit and flesh that needs me, all of me, until he can take his first shaky steps alone. I fear this day, I mourn for this day, yet I cannot wait for this day.
Each moment was meant to be experienced. Waiting for another one while ignoring the one that's passing is wasteful. I cannot replace this moment. I must make the best of it.
